i'm not one of those folks who likes hanging around the house pantsless. probably because i wear ugly comfy clothes. maybe not ugly,but boring. and sometimes illfitting. i tend to wear oversized clothes,so i look even bigger than i am,but i'm comfortable. anyway,right now i don't have any pants on,but that's just because i just got out of the shower and am only half dressed. however,pants will go on soon so i can go out and buy some groceries. i'm sure everyone wanted to know this. have a good day!

it was beautiful yesterday,but i crashed and stayed in bed most of the day. today i have managed to stay awake and go for a two mile walk with my neighbor. it's hot outside,but there's a breeze and low humidity. so now i'm sitting in front of my fan cooling off and i will probably fall asleep soon. still,i'm glad i managed to stay out of bed for most of this lovely sunshine today.

Originally posted by theferrett at An Uncommon Sweetness

the dark chocolate made my brain feel better,but i'm having trouble keeping to the right dosage.my taste buds want more,but if i have too much,my tummy gets queasy. i will keep trying to perfect my technique. although any kind of perfection is rare of course.

sometimes i get quite lonely,but i don't have much energy to engage in friendship. i'm feeling a little lost,honestly. or maybe it's just my depression speaking. i also want to live in a clean apartment,but don't have energy for that.

i have a major depressive disorder,but i'm also having a bad episode on top of the chronic stuff. winters are tough for me,but i usually feel better in spring. but not this year. i think i'm still grieving the loss of my dad. or i'm just getting worse,which is scary. but honestly,it probably is the loss of my dad and the prospect that the sister that i'm closest to is planning on moving far away. not to get away from me,but because she's always wanted to live in a certain area in the usa.

i'm just hoping this is just a tough patch and i will bounce back to merely being chronically but not severely depressed. some of us don't respond well to meds for depression,and i'm one of those. thanks for reading. at least the internet makes me slightly less isolated.

oh my. it's one of those things about grief...it hits you at weird times. my sister just mentioned on facebook that she was cleaning and came across a note from dad that said 'i saw on the news that some people were donating their hair for charity. they wouldn't get much for mine.' in the accompanying icon,dad had hair. but he lost most of it by the time he was forty,i think. he was quietly and sometimes unexpectedly witty. i miss him. i feel like i just swallowed a slice of lead. but to paraphrase a dr.seuss quote, i'm really glad i got to share all those years with him. 'don't be sad that it's over,be glad that it happened.' and i am.

and i don't even drink. i do however,take a drug,and sleep a lot and do the sugar thing. last week i was stressed trying to get my food stamps and medicare premium payment back after i told them i was getting money from my dad's estate that was going right so into a health trust. which shouldn't have meant i lost my benefits,but anyway,just to keep life interesting...i had my appointment to set up the trust on friday,and went to bed at around 2am saturday morning,which is pretty normal for me. and then proceeded to sleep for about 18 hours. had some interesting dreams too,in which my deceased mom resurrected again (this happens regularly in my dreams) and then said goodbye and re-died by first turning from color to black and white and then vanishing. still processing my relationship with mom after eight years of her being gone,but this felt better.

got up at 830PM then,and ate and goofed off and then did some laundry while we lost an hour,and i went to bed at the new daylight savings time of 5am which means i was awake for about seven hours. but i did a load of laundry so good for me! couldn't really sleep this morning,so i got up at 9am and went back to bed at noon and slept until almost 7pm. now it's 1am again so who knows what happens next but i got stuff to do on monday. so yeah,lost weekend!

a visit to my sister is long overdue,but everything in my life is overdue. like,where is that guy i am going to elope with? haha.

i started watching the nineties version of 'flipper' last night.all that water is refreshing! but the writing is pretty abysmal. oh,well. speaking of abysmal,i watched 'person of interest' last night and is it me or is jim cazaviel the worst actor after the guy on csi miami/nypdblue? david caruso.

today i have an appointment to set up a disability trust for myself with some money my dad left me. my sisters and i are amazed dad had any money left after all the expensive medical care he needed the last few years,but he did. before he got alzheimer's,he was quite a good investor and accountant.it bothers me that someone as intelligent as my dad got alzheimer's,but who knows? he used his brain but for many of the same things. and who knows for sure what causes that? but as a baby boomer,i'm terrified of getting older...there's no one to take care of me and all the other geezers. unless the world ends this year...then no worries. oh,i'm being silly,but i'm also sincere. so i have that appointment and i'm a little overwhelmed but overwhelmed is my life.

speaking of which,i don't think i've mentioned here on lj that i finally found out what is 'wrong with me'. when i was a kid,i was unhappy and frustrated much of the time. my parents did what they could to help me,but i was also considered a 'naughty'-the word they used for badly behaved...child.
i had tantrums and once kicked in a closet door. i couldn't stand things that felt funny and i needed to have my way. i was a brat. i tried very hard to be good,but it wasn't easy. and nobody noticed when i was good! anyway...when i was about ten my parents took me to a psychiatrist to see if that would help. the psy had me go through a set of cards and put them in piles of things i liked to do and those i didn't. i was rather suspicious...what did she think i was? i didn't think setting things on fire was fun! what was that doing there? anyhow...i had one appointment and then the psy broke her hip,and with one thing and another...i never went back. and i had always wanted to find out what was wrong with me,because apparently something was. life felt funny. a lot of times,life felt bad. why couldn't my parents make me feel better?

so,about two weeks ago,my therapist figured out i was on the autistic spectrum. she finally realized why her neurotypical thinking made her think my thinking was 'twisted'. i have long suspected i was on the autistic spectrum,so it was a relief. because now she is going to approach my therapy from the point of view that i'm not supposed to think the same way.i think she was getting frustrated that i couldn't get some things through my thick skull. well,it's not because i'm stupid. though sometimes i am. so,i finally know what is 'wrong' with me forty years later.

took some trash out. no aurora borealis. maybe too early,maybe too cloudy. i would be awed to see it.

slept until 530 and had some interesting dreams. slept well,anyway.

i just finished watching 'doc martin' season four. it's one of those it takes a village type shows. anyway,someone just had a baby and i cried my eyes out. ha. also,there is a season five but i have nowhere to see it right now. boo. i also found a website and there is doc martin fanfiction. maybe,just maybe,it is not pRon.! i was thinking of watching supernatural but i'm not really into the demons type stuff.

had a hectic day today,for me. i was really tired but they called from the trust agency and i needed to talk to the accountant. then she requested me to fax her the paperwork so she could look at it. i barely had the energy to get out of bed and get that done before five,but i did manage it. i went to my credit union/bank and they faxed it for free for me. nice. and i went to the library and the gas station. and the grocery store. the ben and jerry's was on sale at 2 for seven dollars,but two days later it is two for eight dollars. it's turrible! so i got the little teeny ones. which i always feel isn't enough. bleh. i cancelled my therapy appt for wednesday and am concentrating on getting this paperwork done. there's a slim chance i can get reinstated for food stamps if i do it on friday. friday it is supposed to snow. well,we'll see how it turns out. anyhow!!! i am trying to not eat microwaved foods and i don't know what to eat,really. i hate food prep or cooking. i've been eating turkey sandwiches and salads and mac and cheese and don't know what else to eat!our library got the book 'wheat belly' which is about eating wheatfree. didn't take it out. i got enough on my plate right now,pun intended. haha.