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it's not easy being envygreen

reposted from my tumblr

the poorer i get,and the more precarious my survival in my last years gets,the more i feel envious of others. i’m not really a highly envious sort…or at least not compared to one of my siblings who is incredibly envious of everyone. for instance, i love houses and buildings etc. but i know i’ll never own a home of my own. maybe it’s simply hormones,of which mine are not the healthiest,but i’ve almost completely given up on finding my knight in shining armor, or probably that is combined with knowing there is no such thing. people are people,even the wonderful ones. i don’t have much energy for relationships,and you need to nurture relationships.

lately when there are more and more things i can’t have or even hope of having…how can you save money for ANYTHING when you’re on my income?…my envy crops up more and more. i constantly have to remind myself of how fortunate i am,compared to many of the world’s population…though thinking of so much misery…the refugees,the homelessness,etc etc…does not make me feel better,but makes me want to shut my envious brain up.

of course,being in touch with the world at all,including here on tumblr,is to expose myself to envy…there are a lot of people better off than i am on the interwebs,that’s for sure.

well,at the moment i have several books from the library that i am excited about reading…thank good for libraries and fuck you to the poster on my town group who keeps saying ‘libraries are obsolete’. maybe they are for you,fucker,but for me they keep me slightly more sane,because i don’t have a budget that includes buying books or cds or dvds,and those things are a very helpful tool to distract from chronic depression and anxiety,the stuff that comes naturally to me added to the things in my life that add to what i already naturally live with.

the limited cable tv will have to go very soon…i want to watch the last episode of downton abbey and then tv needs to go…even though i really enjoy tv especially when i can’t focus on much,and/or the internet is unavailable. it’s a safety net of sorts,but i have other expenses that keep increasing. for instance,we have a delicate cat who is a member of the family whose medical needs are not covered by anything,so it’s out of my pocket. thank god my sister gets medicaid right now.

i am envious of a lot of things,but i am still lucky. i have to keep reminding myself of that. right now i am lucky because i live in a two bedroom condo so i can keep a roof over the head of us three chronically ill folks…my sister,myself,and the kitty. our rent is less than most crappy one bedrooms in town…bless our landlord for being the least greedy i have ever known…but i live in fear of him selling this condo or dying before i can get into a subsidized apartment. we’d have to move to an apartment with one bedroom and our couch is pretty much dead,so we’d have no couch to sleep on,and the only place would be one of the drug infested apartment complexes around here. i doesn’t make much sense to just ‘not worry’ or think about these things…they will happen eventually.

there is not much chance of things getting better,and lots of likelihood of them getting worse. and that’s not my depression speaking. that’s a clear thing i can se


( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Mar. 5th, 2016 06:43 pm (UTC)
I saw this somewhere else earlier today but can't comment there. So sorry life's this hard for you. Are you on a waiting list for the subsidized housing?
Mar. 10th, 2016 01:07 am (UTC)
just seeing this today! i am not on a list yet because i have to look at places to get on lists at specific locations. right now i have to deal with teeth. today i did go for a therapy appointment and i think it helped a little.

my therapist suggested i look at 'positive' things in life and i told her that brought up resentment and anger in me,so she told me we will try to explore where THAT comes from in relation to that. we'll see how that goes. i need to start working on my gum surgery and dentures arrangements too,very soon. fun times!
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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