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new thyroid guidelines...bad for me!

posting this for my own reference and anyone else who might be interested.

i have been having abandonment issues,but that's different than paranoia that someone is out to kill me. i'm not important enough to kill,which i guess has its upside. the downside is that it is easy to kill people with neglect, but i'm betting that my conservative sisters are not that kind of repubs. my brain keeps telling me i'm wrong,but that's my brain,which is making me forget how much they love me. i think,anyway! my therapist pointed this out to me the other day. i am going through a wrongly sensitive phase right now i think.

birthday thoughts and cards are very important to me,and i justify not being good with them myself by saying that people should understand and remember i live alone,and birthday cards loom largely to me,so more effort needs to and can be made,whereas my efforts are like lifting huge boulders. i told her i sent my sister's father-in-law,whom i think is a nice man,and recently had a fall and had to got the hospital and now is doing rehab, a card and she seemed unimpressed. whereas for me,it was a huge effort and undertaking and she apparently didn't get that. i feel like i have to help people understand my viewpoint. that i probably shouldn't expect it,except maybe from my therapist,who usually does try.

okay...so,i think i'm gonna eat some breakfast. i just had a chat with sunny and she was starting to look bored,because of course it's really just a monologue. i'm hungry.
sunny and i enjoyed the birds' morning chorus. i hardly slept last night,but hearing the birds and being awake,i started feeling nostalgic for my college days when i got up at 5 am and met some friends for a 'zen morning laugh' (which i found in a book called something like 'ways to get high without drugs') and a run and then in the muggy mornings of summer at home by myself before i went to work at my department store job. thinking of those days,my life was packed with life and it starts to make me sad and miss that. so i decided to get out of bed and try to enjoy my life as it is today rather than lie in bed and be sad. if i can,anyway.

today i'm hoping it will clear up after two days of rain so i can go for another lilac walk. i hope they are still there. earlier in the week,i went for a walk on two days and i saw them but couldn't smell them. i'd also like to do a load of laundry,because the only clean underwear i have is the smaller size from when i was smaller,and that ain't too comfy!

last night when i couldn't sleep i started reading a book by david liss called 'the twelfth enchantment' which sounded good from reviews i've read. i couldn't get into it at first,but then i started reading in the middle,got into it,and now i've gone back to the beginning. and now i'm looking forward to devouring the rest of it.

Jan. 6th, 2014

first post of 2014 for me,not that it's a really big deal.
went out for groceries ahead of expected deep freeze tomorrow and ran into an old friend. also heard 'balloon man' by robyn hitchcock on the radio,which i found delightful.

watched the second series 3 sherlock episode. put in a request for jury duty exemption. hope it's not too complicated.

other than that,mostly the usual...adding to my to-do list in my mind,and having hardly any energy to do anything. could be worse,could be worse,i say to myself.

holy feldspar,batman

reposted from my tumblr,where i wrote this two days ago
today i was just having a really bad bout of depression. wanting to get out of bed,but why bother,etc. so i asked saint anthony,who often helps me,to get in touch with archangel michael,who is my sister’s go-to assistant, to ask my sister to call me. fifteen minutes later,the phone rang.

i don’t really believe in a lot of the weird stuff i used to,and i’m a failure at creating my own red sportscars, but i’m not gonna knock something if it seems to work. my sister reminded me that just because i never manifested the knight in shining armor or the horse farm that the horse came from,it doesn’t mean i’m a failure. this is my journey. donald trump is where he is supposed to be,and this is where i’m supposed to be right now.

i love the movie it’s a wonderful life,but i always felt sad at the line at the end that goes ‘no man is a failure who has friends’ because at different times in my life i have not had many friends. but loneliness and not having friends is at times part of my journey,and it does not mean i’m a failure. we don’t know anyone else’s purpose,and sometimes we don’t really know our own,but it’s there nonetheless.

sometimes i don’t believe in god or feel that love is far away,and i’m disconnected. other times,i believe love/god shines through many others, including the rocks and minerals i was learning about via a cd lecture this morning. sometimes love is sent through st. anthony or archangel michael or my sister. the internet is made of earth materials and can send love too. i’m grateful for the love i was reminded i was connected to today,and i’m sending love out through the internet to you,hoping to remind you in turn. if you’ll excuse me, i think i’m going to go pet some rocks.
another rest day,but at least with football to watch this afternoon. i didn't sleep well last night and i had a bad nightmare,but i get over those quickly as it happens often. don't know where my mind gets that material,as i'm not a fan of horror movies or books or true crime and even limit my watching of tv crime even when i like the show and characters. nevertheless...trying to stay on night time sleeping is not easy for me. twice this week i didn't sleep at night,but didn't get out of bed because i'm trying to stay on schedule,but then i needed to sleep during the day,which makes it harder to sleep the following night. i hope i don't have too terrible a time getting up tomorrow morning,as it is supposed to snow and i need to clean off and warm up my car and take it in for a nine a.m. oil change. i've put that off for way too long. i have such a hard time keeping appointments,because i never know when i'm going to be exhausted and/or more depressed than usual and not able to get out of bed. it's worse in the morning.

i need in home help but can't afford it. having an increasingly tough time managing my life. psychologically,i've always had abandonment issues,but never really thought about how that might happen to me in my old age. so thinking of the future is scary.

on a better note,i love all the decorations and general vibe of christmastime and enjoy it as much as i can. i got to see my favorite christmas tv special on monday night. this year,if both of us are still alive...sorry,that's my humor...i will at least be spending new year's with my cat companion. that's better than not having a cat companion to spend it with! i already gave sunny her christmas present...one of those laser things. she seems to enjoy it for short bursts of time.

the patriots just won another game at the last minute,literally,once again. and it's time for me to eat a nice sandwich. i love sandwiches,especially on good bread. later on,i may catch up on coast to coast am and general hospital.
today has turned out to be a rest day,which is not surprising,since yesterday was a grocery run. i would like to be more efficient and organized,but then again i'm a perfectionist learning to be flexible,i hope.

it's very foggy this evening. i can tell it's damper because i feel chillier,but i'm glad it's not really cold.

my brain wanted to crawl into bed,but i'm trying to stay on my sleeping during darkness schedule,so i just found odds and ends to distract myself with. i want to at least stay on this schedule until monday,when i have a 9 am appointment,but keeping it longer would be even better.

ate lighter than usual and sipping on a ginger brew to try to help my stomach feel better. it gets out of whack really easily,and my fondness for sweets doesn't help!

i'm hoping that tomorrow my stomach feels better and i have a little energy,a few spoons,to get something done.
i actually went outside this evening and what an amazing full moon! also,i went to the library and had a little doctor whoish chat with one of the younger librarians,and a whovian. someone made a 'life size' cardboard tardis and it's in the library. awesome! the doors open and there's a table with doctor who cds...many of which i donated...go me!...and books.

i asked if they had a jfk display,and strangely they didn't. well,maybe all the better for me,because i had more jfk and conspiracy books to choose from. actually,i ended up getting a big fat bio of him. i want to figure out why the cia wanted him dead. read an article by a guy who can debunk all the theories except the cia. i'm thinking that oswald may have been the only shooter...but there's more to it than that. he was a military sniper,after all. also got one of kathy reichs temperance brennan books,though i don't know which is first. it was near closing time,so i didn't investigate.

i heard the b52s 'juliet of the spirits' in the grocery store. well,what a cool evening. also this eccentric looking woman was trying to bring in three carts she came across in the plaza,and i helped her out with that. felt good about that. there was good vibes out around me tonight. since i've been worrying about my lack of energy lately,it felt kind of like universe kindness. ALSO,i actually cried this morning... i rarely cry for myself,tough i think it would be helpful occassionally i'm wondering if it's because i'm experimenting with taking my prozac every other day. i don't recommend it without supervision,but prozac is the longest in your system,so i'm chancing it for now.i should at least call the psy nurse practitioner. i was crying lying in bed and that devilish little guardian furgirl  sunny was there with me. it's probably my imagination,but she looked slightly sympathetic. now that's pretty funny!

watched part one of 'being human' last night and was pretty impressed. tonight i'm watching new england patriots football,so i'll probably watch part two via hulu.

sunny,with an occasional chance of tuna

ah,here's a sweet moment. it's almost 4 in the afternoon and starting to get dark on this november day. it's pretty quiet and peaceful here in chez bluegreen. sure,the sky's a little melancholy and i'm tired and unmotivated,as i often am. but my cat buddy sunny is sleeping on her catbed that she made out of my laptop carry bag. she's an incredibly moody cat who swats at me a lot and has very little patience,and sometimes clamps her jaws on my socks...but at least it's not on my arms or hands or face. she's also very good company,in many ways. i wouldn't want her to sleep every second of the day,but when she does i don't have her staring at me expecting me to do something,like pet her just the right amount of times until it's enough and she swats me,or walk her over to her dish,shake it to make it look fuller,and pet her a time or two before she nibbles on her food. it's just peaceful having another little being there. some of my nicest moments are with sunny,when she's curled up snoozing on the bed with me waiting for me to get up and add food to her bowl. her bowl is rarely empty. i measure the food out every day so as not to overfeed her,and she nibbles during the day and doesn't like a partially empty dish. sometimes i think she just wants me to talk to her,so i fiind something to babble about out loud to her. i give her the benefit of the doubt that she might be smarter than me,and that's why she gets impatient with me sometimes. if she's really cranky,it might be a hiss. often enough,it's a long sigh. and i understand exasperation,so i try to figure out what she wants. i don't always figure it out.

sunny is a loaner. yes,i spelled that right. she lives with me right now because sara,her mama,had to move in with another sister who already had a cat,and sara is mama to two who don't get along,astrid and sunny. the thought of possibly three cats who did not like each other living together was an invitation to think of alternatives. i've wanted a kitty of my own for a while now...i perused the animal shelter pictures for months every day. but i didn't commit to it,because my energy is incredibly low and the thought of adding kitty litter cleaning to my list of things i don't get done was daunting. however,when the situation came up,it seemed like the best thing to do. i've know sunny for the 12 years since sara became her mama. we've always liked each other. leaving her mama and coming to live with me wasn't going to be easy for either of them,but it was going to be a little EASIER because we already knew and liked each other.

hard to say how long we will live together. you know,most folks have a lot of uncertainty in their futures,and there's lots of question marks for me and my sisters and their families. sunny's been living with me since mid-july. yes,kitty litter scooping is not fun. it takes an entire spoon out of my usual three spoon day. but it is a priority now. and even though one spoon out of three is a lot...and sounds ridiculous to those except those who have few spoons daily as well...sunny is worth the spoon,and more. i don't think i can really measure her in spoons. i help out my sister by taking good care of her moody but beautiful cat, i take good care of sunny,and sunny,just by being herself...it's hard to know if she ever makes an effort to be nice to me,but i'd like to think she does a little...when she swats me or bites me to communicate,she tries not to hurt me...helps me. it nudges my agnostic heart a little more in the direction of believing in some divine help and love here and there.