birthday thoughts and cards are very important to me,and i justify not being good with them myself by saying that people should understand and remember i live alone,and birthday cards loom largely to me,so more effort needs to and can be made,whereas my efforts are like lifting huge boulders. i told her i sent my sister's father-in-law,whom i think is a nice man,and recently had a fall and had to got the hospital and now is doing rehab, a card and she seemed unimpressed. whereas for me,it was a huge effort and undertaking and she apparently didn't get that. i feel like i have to help people understand my viewpoint. that i probably shouldn't expect it,except maybe from my therapist,who usually does try.
okay...so,i think i'm gonna eat some breakfast. i just had a chat with sunny and she was starting to look bored,because of course it's really just a monologue. i'm hungry.
today i'm hoping it will clear up after two days of rain so i can go for another lilac walk. i hope they are still there. earlier in the week,i went for a walk on two days and i saw them but couldn't smell them. i'd also like to do a load of laundry,because the only clean underwear i have is the smaller size from when i was smaller,and that ain't too comfy!
last night when i couldn't sleep i started reading a book by david liss called 'the twelfth enchantment' which sounded good from reviews i've read. i couldn't get into it at first,but then i started reading in the middle,got into it,and now i've gone back to the beginning. and now i'm looking forward to devouring the rest of it.
went out for groceries ahead of expected deep freeze tomorrow and ran into an old friend. also heard 'balloon man' by robyn hitchcock on the radio,which i found delightful.
watched the second series 3 sherlock episode. put in a request for jury duty exemption. hope it's not too complicated.
other than that,mostly the usual...adding to my to-do list in my mind,and having hardly any energy to do anything. could be worse,could be worse,i say to myself.
today i was just having a really bad bout of depression. wanting to get out of bed,but why bother,etc. so i asked saint anthony,who often helps me,to get in touch with archangel michael,who is my sister’s go-to assistant, to ask my sister to call me. fifteen minutes later,the phone rang.
i need in home help but can't afford it. having an increasingly tough time managing my life. psychologically,i've always had abandonment issues,but never really thought about how that might happen to me in my old age. so thinking of the future is scary.
on a better note,i love all the decorations and general vibe of christmastime and enjoy it as much as i can. i got to see my favorite christmas tv special on monday night. this year,if both of us are still alive...sorry,that's my humor...i will at least be spending new year's with my cat companion. that's better than not having a cat companion to spend it with! i already gave sunny her christmas present...one of those laser things. she seems to enjoy it for short bursts of time.
the patriots just won another game at the last minute,literally,once again. and it's time for me to eat a nice sandwich. i love sandwiches,especially on good bread. later on,i may catch up on coast to coast am and general hospital.
it's very foggy this evening. i can tell it's damper because i feel chillier,but i'm glad it's not really cold.
my brain wanted to crawl into bed,but i'm trying to stay on my sleeping during darkness schedule,so i just found odds and ends to distract myself with. i want to at least stay on this schedule until monday,when i have a 9 am appointment,but keeping it longer would be even better.
ate lighter than usual and sipping on a ginger brew to try to help my stomach feel better. it gets out of whack really easily,and my fondness for sweets doesn't help!
i'm hoping that tomorrow my stomach feels better and i have a little energy,a few spoons,to get something done.
i asked if they had a jfk display,and strangely they didn't. well,maybe all the better for me,because i had more jfk and conspiracy books to choose from. actually,i ended up getting a big fat bio of him. i want to figure out why the cia wanted him dead. read an article by a guy who can debunk all the theories except the cia. i'm thinking that oswald may have been the only shooter...but there's more to it than that. he was a military sniper,after all. also got one of kathy reichs temperance brennan books,though i don't know which is first. it was near closing time,so i didn't investigate.
i heard the b52s 'juliet of the spirits' in the grocery store. well,what a cool evening. also this eccentric looking woman was trying to bring in three carts she came across in the plaza,and i helped her out with that. felt good about that. there was good vibes out around me tonight. since i've been worrying about my lack of energy lately,it felt kind of like universe kindness. ALSO,i actually cried this morning... i rarely cry for myself,tough i think it would be helpful occassionally i'm wondering if it's because i'm experimenting with taking my prozac every other day. i don't recommend it without supervision,but prozac is the longest in your system,so i'm chancing it for now.i should at least call the psy nurse practitioner. i was crying lying in bed and that devilish little guardian furgirl sunny was there with me. it's probably my imagination,but she looked slightly sympathetic. now that's pretty funny!
watched part one of 'being human' last night and was pretty impressed. tonight i'm watching new england patriots football,so i'll probably watch part two via hulu.
- Current Location:my couch
- Current Mood:good,which is notable and appreciated
sunny is a loaner. yes,i spelled that right. she lives with me right now because sara,her mama,had to move in with another sister who already had a cat,and sara is mama to two who don't get along,astrid and sunny. the thought of possibly three cats who did not like each other living together was an invitation to think of alternatives. i've wanted a kitty of my own for a while now...i perused the animal shelter pictures for months every day. but i didn't commit to it,because my energy is incredibly low and the thought of adding kitty litter cleaning to my list of things i don't get done was daunting. however,when the situation came up,it seemed like the best thing to do. i've know sunny for the 12 years since sara became her mama. we've always liked each other. leaving her mama and coming to live with me wasn't going to be easy for either of them,but it was going to be a little EASIER because we already knew and liked each other.
hard to say how long we will live together. you know,most folks have a lot of uncertainty in their futures,and there's lots of question marks for me and my sisters and their families. sunny's been living with me since mid-july. yes,kitty litter scooping is not fun. it takes an entire spoon out of my usual three spoon day. but it is a priority now. and even though one spoon out of three is a lot...and sounds ridiculous to those except those who have few spoons daily as well...sunny is worth the spoon,and more. i don't think i can really measure her in spoons. i help out my sister by taking good care of her moody but beautiful cat, i take good care of sunny,and sunny,just by being herself...it's hard to know if she ever makes an effort to be nice to me,but i'd like to think she does a little...when she swats me or bites me to communicate,she tries not to hurt me...helps me. it nudges my agnostic heart a little more in the direction of believing in some divine help and love here and there.
- Current Location:the couch...as usual
- Current Mood:copacetic and subject to change